058

brace for impact
a tenfold landing on your lips
I can’t think back to what you said
when you ring loud
I remember it in silence

keeping to coffee cups, all too white
diluting your bitter tone
not enough to erase an afterthought
resting in supine, I say nothing.

057

I can’t think anymore
you’ve finally taken me down
a cup tipped over,
stalled out on all roads,
full in all this space,
I cant,
there’s no room

I don’t bet on it, but
I bet you know this
I’m embroidered by this scar tissue,
the maps you left on me
leading me to empty streets

I know you left me first
I hear your plans from other people
bury you in my anger
I guess we ruined everything

I had my feet on the ground
so sure, had my arms to the wind
thought I was so free
but running brought no sheath
to the dagger that you leave

you’ve finally found your out
leave me responsible for myself
leave me cluttered and spent

I chase you in my dreams
a fractured sort of sleep
maybe we miss each other
even if we had to go,
maybe it’s never leaving
if I can’t let you go.

055

I am on many lows
while you’re trying to go slow
now I’m kissed by sand and cold
bare skin flecked silver and gold

I keep my thumb against my throat
a blooming gun for my last note
flay to find the heart, so remote
miss it and I’d never really know

can’t find peace in my own head
tired enough to defer to you in bed
stay put so I’ll never make you cry.

045

Breathing stars
to warm condensation on words
the way your hair threads wind
I’d fall for anything

we are a seasons dream
still like trees for snowfall
sedated and cold,
sleepy-eyed, alive

I’d stay out all night with you
until the brights go out
locked on last words,
the roses on our lips
we walk home on empty
alone.

 

039

There’s an inkling in your absence
from when we were together,
a casualty in history–
the roads to Rome did not lead home
despite past tense, it seems to me
moving on does not mean gone

there’s a place between
what is here and what was there
a joke I made left in your place
that no one else could get,
a “nevermind,”
as I tried to keep you to myself

splitting up is like ripping fabric
threads that cling in your absence
there is no tidy resolution,
just pilling and fraying,
a directionless path
I seem to be straying

There is a memory in movements
that needs to be unlearned
the way we walk together
one step off of the other,

Even in the subtleties,
There’s still an inkling
in your absence.

036

you are like coming in from the cold,
red cheeks and breathlessness
the weight of clothes
that won’t come off

you’re like huddling by a fire
warming my hands,
fruitlessly touching
smothered in coat and mittens

you’re like falling on ice
that stomach-dropping,
hard-hitting fall
the persistence of a bruise
I feel you too

you are mountains
that cradle the sky
always right here,
even if you’re not around

you are a force of nature
hidden under a knitted hat
and a windswept scarf.

035

sheltering your mug from the cold
I could feel the chips in ceramic
the residue of you quitting
a memory lost to a dirty sink
did we ever even meet?

drink our coffee apart now
stale in your memory
I trace rings and see things
but mostly your car
in the parking lot

I think it was about the view,
or maybe the open-concept
so you could see through me
just by coming in the door
I’ve heard this before:
transparency kills the chase

but you liked my banter
and the freckle on my neck
you told me your stories
things I’ll never forget

I drink my coffee alone now
new tin in the cupboard, but I
can’t let go of your flavour
your mug not in my sink.

 

034

I counted the days since you left
until I could not count anymore

You`re the one who told me
I was going to be great
a fondness for the candour,
my scathing sort of wit

I counted the days since I last saw you
until the numbers stopped coming

credit where credit is due,
I gave my life all to you
the power of dreaming
with this empty feeling
I am because of you

I buried your last words
so deep I couldn`t hear them
my heart sinks to your faith
god, I wish you could stay

you were the place
where being believed wasn`t
so unbelievable at all

I counted the days since I last saw you
until it was just our moments
coming

until it was our moments leaving.

033

It’s been a while since I’ve felt sharp
I’m just tired now
worn out
tired of half-bridges
chasing figures
just to fall out of breath

it’s been a while since I’ve been quick,
reliably golden,
like I could own a place
but now I have to pause
to remember my own cause

a relic filled with paper cups
dried out ink and stagnant things
I used to be so diligent
work late, sit up straight
now I can hardly wait
to crawl back home.

031

Sighs into sighs,
cradled by mountains and lies
say we’re absolved by closing our eyes
but we’re still seeing the brights of the sky
still pleading for a break from responsibility,
from owning my iridescence

no, I never thought I peaked
but I thought I was better than this,
assuming that we’d both take the heat
no, I’m not better than this

I hate my caricature, this mess,
no rejoice when you think of me now
I was a quaking mess, I confess
now I’m your worst-case, at best

I hate to understand you
when I don’t want to,
hate that I split this,
and now I can’t fix this

I’m trying, holding steady
ridges like tightropes
toeing the line,
false eminence, I know,
I’m no better than this.