xox

Are we in currents together
or am I your riptide?
Do we take space up together
or are our hands just tied?
When promises start to break
can you love me anyway?
Am I the one keeping you cold
or am I the one you want to hold?
Are we running from seam splitters
and falling apart,
or embroidered together
intermingling our hearts?

xxi

Never forgot the feeling that the house was burning down
The feeling of you coming down the stairs
Thought I had close the door to stop your storm
But crosswinds closed in
I didn’t have to let you in

I land hard on your silence
Sitting across the room
deprived of the things you’d give anyone else
but you still punish me like no one else

Thought I had arrived somewhere
with a strength that would be enough
thought I had a lock and swallowed key
but it kept me inside instead of keeping you out

Never forgot the feeling that the walls were caving in
folded on my knees, resist the urge to breathe
keep my back to the ceiling and my heart on the floor
make me so small I am nothing at all

make me so small I am nothing at all.

009

You made me funny

I made you broken

we came together in a war

set between me and I,

 

couldn’t see what you saw

chasing the novelty of a wreckage

you thought you’d hit the bumper

and watch me go,

I thought you’d heed the thunder

and just let me go

 
I could flood the cities like a hurricane

didn’t you know,

I’d sink my teeth in, in a heartbeat

take you down like a rogue wave

 
You made me think

but I made you sad

the resignation in creases that don’t go away

the recognition I don’t grow,

not into these capsules,

never be easy to take

 

You tried to make me free

wrapped in my vines, can’t breathe,

halfway up to the canopy,

 

you lost the war between me and I,

took down my armies

just to die at the door

you fought the war between me and I,

just to fall down on the floor

 

you made me funny

and I made you broken.

008

You could have been safe with me

hand to the gearshift, holding me

 

You could have been kind to me

playing old songs just to bleed me

no such thing as running on empty

 

You could have been just for me

Soaked by the blood in my heart

but you hold a quarantine so well

just another one you keep from afar

 

You could have been right for me

If you’d just stop being so wrong

Could have spent days in that car

Head in your lap,

 

You could have taken me anywhere

And I would be pacified without a where

 

Could have just kept me

But you wrote my goodbye and made me leave

 

Could have let me go

But you spun wheels to my door–

changed your mind

 

Could have stayed home

But you asked me to run away with you

I could have gone,

except–

there was no love left

We could have gone, but

you’d take me, and I’d go alone.

007

so you thought you’d seen my skin

thinking that there was a way in,

like I was something you could break in.

couldn’t find the seams

because there were none left

you think you talk me off ledges

but I’m ready to ace the landing

I am the ridges you cut your fingers on

trying to stroke my edges smooth

just to give you the stains of a martyr

like you were doing the world a favour

you touch mirrors to marvel at the

condensation of your hands,

blessing yourself for a warmth

that won’t reach your eyes

this is your vision of rescue,

the lover, reaching the unreachable,

but your ladders have no steps

and I’m prepared to burn.


this is what it means to be

a fracture, you’re gracious to love me,

to cultivate a world that thinks I’m lucky

to let me know, thinking I won’t go,

that nobody else could love me.


I am scar tissue pulled tight

a skeleton twisted in white,

Even in your firestorm,

I’m the only one to keep me warm.