63

I haven’t been sleeping
don’t want to start talking
to you

so tired of the daylight
coming through
I see it starting
I know the cue

everybody starts waking
shiny and new
mentally I’m breaking
trying to push through

cant close my eyes
going off like a live wire
all of this thinking
burns me out, I’m so tired.

curl up in the blue lights
falling by the hour
trying to kill the
time it takes
through night and day

can’t stand

to be

awake.

057

I can’t think anymore
you’ve finally taken me down
a cup tipped over,
stalled out on all roads,
full in all this space,
I cant,
there’s no room

I don’t bet on it, but
I bet you know this
I’m embroidered by this scar tissue,
the maps you left on me
leading me to empty streets

I know you left me first
I hear your plans from other people
bury you in my anger
I guess we ruined everything

I had my feet on the ground
so sure, had my arms to the wind
thought I was so free
but running brought no sheath
to the dagger that you leave

you’ve finally found your out
leave me responsible for myself
leave me cluttered and spent

I chase you in my dreams
a fractured sort of sleep
maybe we miss each other
even if we had to go,
maybe it’s never leaving
if I can’t let you go.

055

I am on many lows
while you’re trying to go slow
now I’m kissed by sand and cold
bare skin flecked silver and gold

I keep my thumb against my throat
a blooming gun for my last note
flay to find the heart, so remote
miss it and I’d never really know

can’t find peace in my own head
tired enough to defer to you in bed
stay put so I’ll never make you cry.

046

Washing your hands out of my hair
we were always like watering weeds
not bothering with what could grow
but I pretend the suds are you
leaving the room
this one last time

I wasted my time and gave you the rest of it
thought the hardest parts were over
until I was begging you to stay with me instead
why wouldn’t you stay and sleep instead?

We didn’t talk about it
until it was too hard to talk about it
by then I already figured it out
you looked so much better somewhere else

I’m not afraid of the same things anymore,
don’t wonder how to sleep alone or
doubt you’ve locked the front door
I still roll over to see if you’re sleeping
but you’re just a ghost and I’m only dreaming

I wonder what you do now, just before bed
if you open windows just to hear the sound
of late night busses rolling into town,
a fixation on something familiar in bed
my old apartment, dark in your head

we were always like watering weeds
not bothering with what could grow
spreading in cities, boy, are we pretty
still searching for somewhere to be.

044

I suspend and dream
hold my head to the deep
I think, I think,
just to breathe in
and out

tell me how
you want me to sleep
with one eye open
while you’re here

trick me, twist me
sedate me in your sea
until my skin becomes
the illusion of warmth

I could just leave
trailing my grief,
you could have minutes
and I could have miles.

040

I know this story
you’ve told it before
you’re chasing, I’m running,
I can’t stick the landing, no
I can’t keep my feelings to myself

you crawl in while I sleep
entangled in my sheets
waking as a casualty, I
cant wash myself clean
can’t stop thinking now

Always seconds from the door,
just cradling the ignition,
just a few more boxes to move,
and there you are again
cracking your knuckles,
ready to break me in

This carousel sort of routine,
I can hear you telling me
you’ll never let me go,
never let me go,
and I sit on my horse
pray the path is straight
that I’ll escape

but you’re in my dreams every night
some phantom sort of sinner
and I, I just can’t keep you out
I can’t get off this horse.

034

I counted the days since you left
until I could not count anymore

You`re the one who told me
I was going to be great
a fondness for the candour,
my scathing sort of wit

I counted the days since I last saw you
until the numbers stopped coming

credit where credit is due,
I gave my life all to you
the power of dreaming
with this empty feeling
I am because of you

I buried your last words
so deep I couldn`t hear them
my heart sinks to your faith
god, I wish you could stay

you were the place
where being believed wasn`t
so unbelievable at all

I counted the days since I last saw you
until it was just our moments
coming

until it was our moments leaving.

033

It’s been a while since I’ve felt sharp
I’m just tired now
worn out
tired of half-bridges
chasing figures
just to fall out of breath

it’s been a while since I’ve been quick,
reliably golden,
like I could own a place
but now I have to pause
to remember my own cause

a relic filled with paper cups
dried out ink and stagnant things
I used to be so diligent
work late, sit up straight
now I can hardly wait
to crawl back home.

Stories from Growing Up: Dreaming of Trauma

I have nightmares when I sleep, more than ever before. I dream about being in physical danger, rage, violation, and about trying to pack my things and leave but never getting out the door.

fragments of phrases; “this doesn’t feel like home,” or inarticulate screaming that never says enough.

When I wake up, I wonder how I could leave them behind but they could still have such a hold on me. Physical departure is not mental departure, but one day I will wake up, having made it out that door.

 

 

026

feet barefoot out the car
under streetlights
that haze of a long night,
that lull towards sleep, I
don’t know the time

that way I think of you
when the strap breaks off my shoulder
taking on too much
drinking my way off the sofa

falling all over yourself
to hold me steady
thinking I’d barely remember
the night

but I fall to your stillness
I rest, I can’t take this
the way safety lives in the past
and now you sting me in the present

the way you drink my sadness
to fuel your madness
like comfort and warmth
were never what you told

as I rested on your soul
I never knew how it could burn
I never knew the cost to learn,
but I see it now.