Funeral

Sit by your wineglass like a funeral
a kitchen just like a pew
never thought I’d be here like this
spilled my soul out
to a dirty floor,
sold my soul out
to a revolving door

and I can’t stop thinking
as I look at the ceiling where
champagne has wet and dried
where celebrations came to die

what if I had put my plate
a little to the left,
what if I had done would you said,
would we be in the right place?
would we be sleeping in bed?

A 30 second window,
now I sleep alone instead.








xx4

I said, “don’t you want to wait
for the taxi to arrive?”
but you took it in stride,
give up to the rain
and I went back inside

It was just the breathing,
crescendo of believing
but you sit on my chest
no rise-then-fall,
no, just gasp and crawl

The space in my lungs
I saved for you,
the whistle out-and-in,
ears full of your wind,
so ready to have you in,

I asked, “Why didn’t you?”
but these vocal cues
sink to my stomach and
I could never ask,
Why didn’t you?
why didn’t you?


65

you leave me as soon as you can,

foot dead on the pedal,

should I say this?

foot dead on the pedal,

I wish you still had the ability

to bring me to my senses, but I

think I’m going to drive.

Save that face for anybody else

I’m looking up while you look away,

you just don’t see me, anyway.

Tired of calling you back,

I wish you’d just stay,

you never had my back

just saying anything,

keep my feet down,

weighed down,

ignore the red lights.

keep my feet down,

weighed down,

tired of losing fights.

057

I can’t think anymore
you’ve finally taken me down
a cup tipped over,
stalled out on all roads,
full in all this space,
I cant,
there’s no room

I don’t bet on it, but
I bet you know this
I’m embroidered by this scar tissue,
the maps you left on me
leading me to empty streets

I know you left me first
I hear your plans from other people
bury you in my anger
I guess we ruined everything

I had my feet on the ground
so sure, had my arms to the wind
thought I was so free
but running brought no sheath
to the dagger that you leave

you’ve finally found your out
leave me responsible for myself
leave me cluttered and spent

I chase you in my dreams
a fractured sort of sleep
maybe we miss each other
even if we had to go,
maybe it’s never leaving
if I can’t let you go.

050

I need a break from all your feeling
don’t fall asleep, just keep breathing
thought if this is death,
I guess I’m grieving
if this is death,
why isn’t it freeing?

hand on the door, heart beating
forward motion from
thinking about leaving
trying to hold myself up
pressed down by the ceiling

listen for the clink in your chest
the currency you have left
your cliff face way of cutting off
always up and getting lost

I spill over a thousand calls
waiting to rest these arms
give them somewhere to fall
if this is death,
is this the last meeting?
if this is death,
will there ever be meaning?

God,
I’m so tired of feeling.

049

you taught me to swim
so I wouldn’t drown
just enough,
enough to keep my head up

I felt your hand on my stomach
holding me up
but you were king of letting go
so I hated you the most

I guess you were trying me out
just seeing if I could ride it out
and I did, but
you said I’d never be enough

I’ll always be skirting the edge
afraid you’ll stay away
afraid you wont come and stay

I’ll always be skirting the edge
just enough to keep my head up
skirting the edge,
trying to give you up.

046

Washing your hands out of my hair
we were always like watering weeds
not bothering with what could grow
but I pretend the suds are you
leaving the room
this one last time

I wasted my time and gave you the rest of it
thought the hardest parts were over
until I was begging you to stay with me instead
why wouldn’t you stay and sleep instead?

We didn’t talk about it
until it was too hard to talk about it
by then I already figured it out
you looked so much better somewhere else

I’m not afraid of the same things anymore,
don’t wonder how to sleep alone or
doubt you’ve locked the front door
I still roll over to see if you’re sleeping
but you’re just a ghost and I’m only dreaming

I wonder what you do now, just before bed
if you open windows just to hear the sound
of late night busses rolling into town,
a fixation on something familiar in bed
my old apartment, dark in your head

we were always like watering weeds
not bothering with what could grow
spreading in cities, boy, are we pretty
still searching for somewhere to be.

044

I suspend and dream
hold my head to the deep
I think, I think,
just to breathe in
and out

tell me how
you want me to sleep
with one eye open
while you’re here

trick me, twist me
sedate me in your sea
until my skin becomes
the illusion of warmth

I could just leave
trailing my grief,
you could have minutes
and I could have miles.

042

You’re coated solid gold, the messiah,
and I’m inhaling the fumes from below,
you capture me in corners and open space
capture me, get bored and walk away

quizzical, to see if I know what you know,
the difference between trees, I don’t,
what you’re trying to get me to say, I don’t know,
your interest in me is just passing through
your interest in me is if you’re in the mood

It’s only fair to give credit where credit is due
you had me trying until it was what I couldn’t do
you had me dejected over everybody else
when they managed to win you,
the desired result, I bet I checked the right box

I have your particles in my heart,
gold flakes from resting in your mistakes
no more skirting by and holding my breath
yet, I find you on me all the time
sitting in the corner of my eye.

041

Hey you,
I’m still checking my inbox for your emails
they never come,
still wondering if you’ll ever send that letter
well, I guess not,
I was so easy to let go of

I’m still checking license plates
wonder if we’ll ever accidentally collide
if you’d even bother to say hello,
well, I guess not

I still have that guitar and tattered amp
still have those gifts and other things
guess you spent a lot on me
when money didn’t mean a thing to you
could never fill a room with you

I still have that note you wrote
the one with all your answers
but no apologies,
That note you asked me to burn
the one I kept instead

I still dream that you were something
somebody that wanted to take me out,
somebody who didn’t let me down,
I’m still hitting the ground

Hey you,
why was I so easy to let go of?