the lion

i don’t always feel like talking
but i keep talking
twist my tongue against
unreciprocating ears
but i’ll tell you, i’ll tell you, i’ll tell you
how i’m naive and free

swallow hard on your reactions
muscles lock and release
juggling postures and presence
facing the door
you’re going to leave me, i know

it doesn’t unwind my my spine
my posturing so you know the me
i want you to know
talking to tell you, so you know,
i’m fine, it’s all fine, we’re just fine

posture of a lion with a lingering bark
but no bite, just trying to rewrite this
mind me, please, i’m harmless
just want to disarm this
ticking in my head
ticking in my head

catch words by the metronome
cant even hear myself talk, no,
turn off the sound to talk down the excess
know, i’m just delivering what i know
know i’m chasing electricity

caricature in me
i don’t always feel like talking
but i twist my tongue against
my own fears

xx0

got me, involuntary muscle contractions
see the kicks and the twitch in my lips
bet you can read where i’m coming from
decide to watch me become undone

but the flicks in these currents
the tremourless moments
kicks in my stomach and tight lips containing
I’m a mystery beat can’t be on my feet
but you’re turning away, yeah,
you’re turning away

my evidence isn’t needed,
hands up to my breathing
waiting for movements
when I cant get through it

feeling the switching,
these organic transitions
but we fell from different trees
so i taste salt in the breeze
while you rest beside me

got me, these chest pains
wait for the moments to ache and I stay
heart chasing this, bracing this
my circuits cant take this
just kicking myself and closing my mouth
just hear me out

if the muscle doesn’t kick
where is this coming from?
if it doesn’t kick,
why am I like this?

i cant stay in my lane anymore
i tried everything you wanted
you’re turning away,
cant take me anymore, we cant,
cant outrun these currents anymore

049

you taught me to swim
so I wouldn’t drown
just enough,
enough to keep my head up

I felt your hand on my stomach
holding me up
but you were king of letting go
so I hated you the most

I guess you were trying me out
just seeing if I could ride it out
and I did, but
you said I’d never be enough

I’ll always be skirting the edge
afraid you’ll stay away
afraid you wont come and stay

I’ll always be skirting the edge
just enough to keep my head up
skirting the edge,
trying to give you up.

012

I was always laying you low
shrugging you off and blaming the heat
calling it early, leaving you in the street

Always had my feet hitting the ground
prepared to take you on the runaround
while I was a breath away from leaving
and you just wanted to keep me

I’d begged you to praise me and called it a lie
determined to forget whenever you’d try
decided your crime before you’d commit it
I was driven to blame you expecting you’d quit
Here’s to the shock that you finally did

I was always laying you low
shrugging you off,
but
I understand now
why they always want to hold you
one last time.

011

Snowstorm state of mind
Just crafting out more lies
Bet you believed me then
I can see you believe me now

Silence as your skin is on my skin
Can’t say how much I hate to let you in
I’m turning inside out
Waiting for you to fall asleep again
so I can politely peel you off

I rage at your compassion as you wait
Hating all the kindness, I hide my face
Sick of my heart beating out of sync
I’d do anything to stop you listening

A statuesque matter of fact
The coward is as she appears,
Easier to run and not look back
Even if the storm front seems to pass

Bet you think I needed to hear that
Like you could melt my glaciers
But the comedown is for distance
Not from your well-versed warmth.

008

You could have been safe with me

hand to the gearshift, holding me

 

You could have been kind to me

playing old songs just to bleed me

no such thing as running on empty

 

You could have been just for me

Soaked by the blood in my heart

but you hold a quarantine so well

just another one you keep from afar

 

You could have been right for me

If you’d just stop being so wrong

Could have spent days in that car

Head in your lap,

 

You could have taken me anywhere

And I would be pacified without a where

 

Could have just kept me

But you wrote my goodbye and made me leave

 

Could have let me go

But you spun wheels to my door–

changed your mind

 

Could have stayed home

But you asked me to run away with you

I could have gone,

except–

there was no love left

We could have gone, but

you’d take me, and I’d go alone.

004

Bruising my arms on the steering wheel
all these things I’m not meant to feel,
you say you love me like I should know,
but in my head, I watch you go.

Your only hold is on my waist,
a physical space I stay encased
well versed, you eclipse my sense of self,
I lie back down, beside myself.

A warm tongue that’s out for blood,
sinking in to bring the flood,
and what–
what do we get
from a sheep
with a wolf peeking from the sleeve?

I know, I tell me “time to go,”
I wait on edge for your “although,”
like we could have stayed in bed,
you not going home instead.

What is it like to put me away
something that goes at the end your day?
What is it that you say about me,
or am I just your ambiguous “she?”

I could hate you for taking my defenses
but I’m the one taking down fences,
tracing your skin in search of more
a silent tribute to the way this endures.