moodphases

I need to move but I cant
Narrate my scenes before
Getting to the stand

knots in my hair and
nails split, I can’t do it
I can’t do a thing

you say you love me but
you can’t mean it

too torn up to elevate a lie
try to warm you
there is no fire

hey, how’re you doing?
did you have fun?
jokes on you,
looks like its done

please don’t leave me
but i know you could leave me now
air out the bedsheets
knock me down

when i get lower, I’ll have to
touch the ground

tried to tell you
to try and believe in me
you tell your friends you need me

now I’m too tired
to defend me
broken up about a man
who wouldn’t protect me

I need to move but I cant
narrate my scenes in
retrospect

did you have fun?

beachside

coffee mixed with cream skin
washed off the taste of cigarettes
freckles against white sheets
be here beside me

don’t need to convince me,
you’ve already pulled us in,
I don’t need to see me
when I can see you

as long as you’ll keep me
cradled by oceans
I’ll be in the crease of your lips
I’ll never be broken

xox

Are we in currents together
or am I your riptide?
Do we take space up together
or are our hands just tied?
When promises start to break
can you love me anyway?
Am I the one keeping you cold
or am I the one you want to hold?
Are we running from seam splitters
and falling apart,
or embroidered together
intermingling our hearts?

066

I’m fine, not just getting by,
wear my coat for getting warm
delete your favourite stations
be bored by my own.

I’m fine, just getting high,
burn a hole into my throat
while I yell into my phone
but I’m fine, I’m getting by,


Just cut my hair and changed my clothes,
it’s fine,
just shedding off skin
make you notice that it’s good,
it’s all fine

cant see the tag on my dress
might return it, I guess,
spend hours browsing stores
narrate meetings to my clothes
it’s fine

tell you all the best,
while I slow my step
so you can tell I’m fine
I’m more than getting by.

63

I haven’t been sleeping
don’t want to start talking
to you

so tired of the daylight
coming through
I see it starting
I know the cue

everybody starts waking
shiny and new
mentally I’m breaking
trying to push through

cant close my eyes
going off like a live wire
all of this thinking
burns me out, I’m so tired.

curl up in the blue lights
falling by the hour
trying to kill the
time it takes
through night and day

can’t stand

to be

awake.

059

Am I just the bear,
drinking in the irony,
precariously free,
I don’t know

do you see both eyes open
in the dark
chasing down pictures
I paint from my madness
stop, stop,
I can’t hear over your
eyes, can’t hear over your
I don’t–

Am I just the bear
screaming out in agony
crawling for respite,
am I the hunter that seeks,
am I the gun?

Am I my own fall,
chin up for the shot
playing for a bullet to dodge
play it safe, I still want it all

back to back,
polar, bi–
so much bitterness?
never see behind me
just shame at the sight of me

taking turns basking in glows but
I never know who’s inside of me
can’t tell who is beside me.

058

brace for impact
a tenfold landing on your lips
I can’t think back to what you said
when you ring loud
I remember it in silence

keeping to coffee cups, all too white
diluting your bitter tone
not enough to erase an afterthought
resting in supine, I say nothing.

057

I can’t think anymore
you’ve finally taken me down
a cup tipped over,
stalled out on all roads,
full in all this space,
I cant,
there’s no room

I don’t bet on it, but
I bet you know this
I’m embroidered by this scar tissue,
the maps you left on me
leading me to empty streets

I know you left me first
I hear your plans from other people
bury you in my anger
I guess we ruined everything

I had my feet on the ground
so sure, had my arms to the wind
thought I was so free
but running brought no sheath
to the dagger that you leave

you’ve finally found your out
leave me responsible for myself
leave me cluttered and spent

I chase you in my dreams
a fractured sort of sleep
maybe we miss each other
even if we had to go,
maybe it’s never leaving
if I can’t let you go.

056

How do I always know
greed in your powerplay
always have to set it up
a certain way,
be the last one speaking,
have to light things up
in my face

I keep saying, “this is it,”
I keep saying
I can bury love into a rage
swear I’m done, slip away
I mean it this time,
but you’re a fire in my mind

I don’t trust my own eyes
in and out of love, surprise,
you take up space in me
hold your place in me

can’t take love beyond
the vibration of an eardrum,
silencing kindness, I know,
you remind me
I don’t deserve it

I’m still trying to be okay
when it comes to
unlearning what you say
always said you’d try again
force me to stay

Not sure how to be okay
when love feels this way
Not sure how to say
I still love you anyway.

055

I am on many lows
while you’re trying to go slow
now I’m kissed by sand and cold
bare skin flecked silver and gold

I keep my thumb against my throat
a blooming gun for my last note
flay to find the heart, so remote
miss it and I’d never really know

can’t find peace in my own head
tired enough to defer to you in bed
stay put so I’ll never make you cry.