xx0

got me, involuntary muscle contractions
see the kicks and the twitch in my lips
bet you can read where i’m coming from
decide to watch me become undone

but the flicks in these currents
the tremourless moments
kicks in my stomach and tight lips containing
I’m a mystery beat can’t be on my feet
but you’re turning away, yeah,
you’re turning away

my evidence isn’t needed,
hands up to my breathing
waiting for movements
when I cant get through it

feeling the switching,
these organic transitions
but we fell from different trees
so i taste salt in the breeze
while you rest beside me

got me, these chest pains
wait for the moments to ache and I stay
heart chasing this, bracing this
my circuits cant take this
just kicking myself and closing my mouth
just hear me out

if the muscle doesn’t kick
where is this coming from?
if it doesn’t kick,
why am I like this?

i cant stay in my lane anymore
i tried everything you wanted
you’re turning away,
cant take me anymore, we cant,
cant outrun these currents anymore

xxi

Never forgot the feeling that the house was burning down
The feeling of you coming down the stairs
Thought I had close the door to stop your storm
But crosswinds closed in
I didn’t have to let you in

I land hard on your silence
Sitting across the room
deprived of the things you’d give anyone else
but you still punish me like no one else

Thought I had arrived somewhere
with a strength that would be enough
thought I had a lock and swallowed key
but it kept me inside instead of keeping you out

Never forgot the feeling that the walls were caving in
folded on my knees, resist the urge to breathe
keep my back to the ceiling and my heart on the floor
make me so small I am nothing at all

make me so small I am nothing at all.

xx2

I am am a parody of me
dressed in your confetti,
I drink to being feeble and weak

Could I make you laugh, this time?
Would I be better this way,
a glass in hand and foot displaced,
would you laugh just to give me a break?

Slither of it up my sleeves,
my chest feels bare and I’m scared
could you just acknowledge me,
tell me I’m not a freak?

I leave prints
sliding down walls
craving doorknobs to another place
no rattles, no, no searching for me.

Could you just see the monkey and her cymbal,
the seal and her horn,
a solo-spectacular, set to silent,
for all the noise I think I’m making,
could you just hear me out?

021

Counting ribs in the night
little notches from silly fights
the framework for things said in spite
we face our walls to sleep at night

Too scared to say what’s on my mind
the way you make up things to find
my inner sinner, you speculate,
you’re a saint to tolerate

my inferiority like a bitten lip,
holding me down between sips
when you say you love who I am
you’re full of shit, a martyred man

Kiss me on the surface, bleeding
your teeth always out, feeding
I wear the skin you weave for me
stretched thin against the knees

tethered to you by my neck
you nestle in this little wreck
uprooting all the things I know,
I’m the champion of letting go.

 

020

Airport breathing, morning leaving
The smell of coffee cups and toothpaste
My God, you just gave it up

Sleepy people leaving seasons,
Coming and going, don’t know their reasons
Not sure where there is left to go
walking in circles, maybe someday I’ll know

Stand in arrivals for nobody at all
no clutching tickets or hearing that call
no luggage or passports
just exits and glass doors

You departed remiss
but it seems you planned this
tanked and sunken,
our crippled dysfunction

Splitting armrests with strangers
ignore the phonecalls, polite exchanges
still got your house key and that locket,

treat me like a souvenir,
but you lost it.

 

 

016

you say my atmosphere has no gravity
can’t get close enough to feel a pull
can’t seem to let anyone in

think you’d be a great almost for me,
burning up in the static
can’t bring myself to you

god, I wish I could

think you’d be a great view for me,
like you might radiate enough
that I might just feel your sun

god, I wish I could

but I’m a perpetual hit and miss,
perpetual forget-about-this,
all teeth and no kiss

god, if I were not so bruised
I wish you would

014

I am armour holding skin
flesh too bruised to feel again
I rotate just to feel the ache
just to check on my mistakes

I cracked a rib just to let you in
a barrier not meant to break
a leap of faith to leave this place
you’re a warm touch against my soul
an invasion, a burn, I cant control

I am silver and adorned,
I run from love to stop the war
you put your lips to my throne
a naked show of flesh and bone

surrender, here falls my spine
surrender, when I say I’m fine

but walls don’t fall inside my head
these walls wont fall in your bed

013

glad for my irrelevance
every shade of blue feels like drowning
and I can see you kicking in
see the oxygen giving in

and I palm the current as you’re sinking in
feel the burden of your shrivelled skin

find the cold spot
I could give in
find the cold spot
prickling

my god,
a stasis in your particles
a faultline for this blame of mine
go, don’t go, just go
go, don’t go

just go

011

Snowstorm state of mind
Just crafting out more lies
Bet you believed me then
I can see you believe me now

Silence as your skin is on my skin
Can’t say how much I hate to let you in
I’m turning inside out
Waiting for you to fall asleep again
so I can politely peel you off

I rage at your compassion as you wait
Hating all the kindness, I hide my face
Sick of my heart beating out of sync
I’d do anything to stop you listening

A statuesque matter of fact
The coward is as she appears,
Easier to run and not look back
Even if the storm front seems to pass

Bet you think I needed to hear that
Like you could melt my glaciers
But the comedown is for distance
Not from your well-versed warmth.

010

Slipping into monochrome

forget the things I used to know

 

all I think about is fleeing

I’m sleeping for the chance of dreaming

leave a life to keep from being

I’ll give this up, no more feeling

 

I can’t stomach this sense of staying

the monotony, the praying

telling me to keep waiting

 

but there’s a luxury in saying

but not knowing,

in telling me I’m just growing

 

and in crafting gratitude I hold my spite

let you martyr in my fight

you wait for me to take my place

but I can’t rinse this off my face.