moodphases

I need to move but I cant
Narrate my scenes before
Getting to the stand

knots in my hair and
nails split, I can’t do it
I can’t do a thing

you say you love me but
you can’t mean it

too torn up to elevate a lie
try to warm you
there is no fire

hey, how’re you doing?
did you have fun?
jokes on you,
looks like its done

please don’t leave me
but i know you could leave me now
air out the bedsheets
knock me down

when i get lower, I’ll have to
touch the ground

tried to tell you
to try and believe in me
you tell your friends you need me

now I’m too tired
to defend me
broken up about a man
who wouldn’t protect me

I need to move but I cant
narrate my scenes in
retrospect

did you have fun?

65

you leave me as soon as you can,

foot dead on the pedal,

should I say this?

foot dead on the pedal,

I wish you still had the ability

to bring me to my senses, but I

think I’m going to drive.

Save that face for anybody else

I’m looking up while you look away,

you just don’t see me, anyway.

Tired of calling you back,

I wish you’d just stay,

you never had my back

just saying anything,

keep my feet down,

weighed down,

ignore the red lights.

keep my feet down,

weighed down,

tired of losing fights.

61

I’m your little darkling
brighten up just to burn out
you hold me well
never feeling skin

I’ll be you punchline
believe your empty platitudes
you’ll fill me with holes
and I’ll become less of me

I’ll undo it all someday
learn to heed the lighthouse warning
beg the light back into me
gift your dark back from me.






057

I can’t think anymore
you’ve finally taken me down
a cup tipped over,
stalled out on all roads,
full in all this space,
I cant,
there’s no room

I don’t bet on it, but
I bet you know this
I’m embroidered by this scar tissue,
the maps you left on me
leading me to empty streets

I know you left me first
I hear your plans from other people
bury you in my anger
I guess we ruined everything

I had my feet on the ground
so sure, had my arms to the wind
thought I was so free
but running brought no sheath
to the dagger that you leave

you’ve finally found your out
leave me responsible for myself
leave me cluttered and spent

I chase you in my dreams
a fractured sort of sleep
maybe we miss each other
even if we had to go,
maybe it’s never leaving
if I can’t let you go.

055

I am on many lows
while you’re trying to go slow
now I’m kissed by sand and cold
bare skin flecked silver and gold

I keep my thumb against my throat
a blooming gun for my last note
flay to find the heart, so remote
miss it and I’d never really know

can’t find peace in my own head
tired enough to defer to you in bed
stay put so I’ll never make you cry.

050

I need a break from all your feeling
don’t fall asleep, just keep breathing
thought if this is death,
I guess I’m grieving
if this is death,
why isn’t it freeing?

hand on the door, heart beating
forward motion from
thinking about leaving
trying to hold myself up
pressed down by the ceiling

listen for the clink in your chest
the currency you have left
your cliff face way of cutting off
always up and getting lost

I spill over a thousand calls
waiting to rest these arms
give them somewhere to fall
if this is death,
is this the last meeting?
if this is death,
will there ever be meaning?

God,
I’m so tired of feeling.

048

I was swimming in your dreams
drop in my stomach,
for when we found the ground
didn’t see it coming,
couldn’t see you coming

I swallowed impermanence
when you fed it to me
closed my eyes to float free
but you tethered me

argued we meant nothing
not to each other
the earth was a small sigh
in an empty street

now the night is a chaser
washing down stars
she said no one can hear me
but her words hit like bombs.

Stories From Growing Up: Patchy Relationship

When I was young, I would pull my hair out until I had bald spots. It helped me feel in control when I was anxious during the day, but most aggressively it happened when I couldn’t sleep. I knew it wasn’t good, but I couldn’t stop.

She was willing to come with me to see the hairdresser in order to lie about what was going on. Usually, something to do with trying to get sand out of my hair from the beach and pulling too hard.

She spoke to me about it once, to capitalize on my shame and feign ignorance as to why it was happening. The rest of her words were for everyone else, to pacify their concern.

I wasn’t able to stop until I was an adult and moved away.

041

Hey you,
I’m still checking my inbox for your emails
they never come,
still wondering if you’ll ever send that letter
well, I guess not,
I was so easy to let go of

I’m still checking license plates
wonder if we’ll ever accidentally collide
if you’d even bother to say hello,
well, I guess not

I still have that guitar and tattered amp
still have those gifts and other things
guess you spent a lot on me
when money didn’t mean a thing to you
could never fill a room with you

I still have that note you wrote
the one with all your answers
but no apologies,
That note you asked me to burn
the one I kept instead

I still dream that you were something
somebody that wanted to take me out,
somebody who didn’t let me down,
I’m still hitting the ground

Hey you,
why was I so easy to let go of?

028

We’re tangled by our ribs, marrow weeping
if you could just put me down, I could cut the feeling
but when the air comes in and my lungs expand
there’s a little bit here that isn’t you

there are moments where the muscles don’t rip away
and I walk to figure out my pace
but ribs rubbing on ribs and
micro-tears, it’s enough
it’s enough and I want to give up

Could I have seen you coming,
the impact of our first collision?
the consequences of being naive,
when all I needed was to breathe

I’m just a vessel for dying cells
my inner arcade, collide and reload
you count down every coin
and I pray as my hands shake
for just a little more time

I was born with your voice in my head
you had me before I could be me,
before I had a light in me.