xx0

got me, involuntary muscle contractions
see the kicks and the twitch in my lips
bet you can read where i’m coming from
decide to watch me become undone

but the flicks in these currents
the tremourless moments
kicks in my stomach and tight lips containing
I’m a mystery beat can’t be on my feet
but you’re turning away, yeah,
you’re turning away

my evidence isn’t needed,
hands up to my breathing
waiting for movements
when I cant get through it

feeling the switching,
these organic transitions
but we fell from different trees
so i taste salt in the breeze
while you rest beside me

got me, these chest pains
wait for the moments to ache and I stay
heart chasing this, bracing this
my circuits cant take this
just kicking myself and closing my mouth
just hear me out

if the muscle doesn’t kick
where is this coming from?
if it doesn’t kick,
why am I like this?

i cant stay in my lane anymore
i tried everything you wanted
you’re turning away,
cant take me anymore, we cant,
cant outrun these currents anymore

x

Radio ad segments
Sincere like your sentiments
Always call the better man
New station, cant stand it
A jingle for my thoughts,
I’ll shut it off

Dialing into static dust
Half attention, look away
Hear nothing you’ve come to say
Check out until you go away
Someone else is gonna stay

Riff in like nothing new
Too familiar, you’re pushing through
Praised are the classic ones
All it takes is to play too much

Too late to read the signs
Yellow on the dotted line
Some things are always mine
Crescendo of a big mistake
You’re posturing, just taking space.

xx

I worry about breathing

when you say that you’re leaving,

I make your days longer,

never too busy to be

a bird and a bee.

I try to walk slower

to keep you around,

know that that you’re heading

out of town.

Small talk folding clothing,

pretend I am holding

steady for you.

No shoes in the driveway

so I could say I tried

to let this go quickly;

need to get back inside.

I think that I’ll watch this though,

look for your face in the car window

just wanted one last chance to see

before the bend in the road.

x69

missing the mark
just to kiss in the dark
reaching for buttons
make this so sudden

playing coy to my candor
I’d fall down and pander
taste the hems of your skin
part my lips and go in

encasing my waist
while you take in my taste
No, I didn’t think it through
or, I just didn’t tell you

lapse in your breathing
vulnerable, heart beating

lights off, can’t see it
lights off, I omit

Lights on, so sly,
your head on my thigh,
coy in your crown,
trick me unwound.

Scrap

I’m a paragraph in each breath
a narrative of seashells under feet
don’t mean to put you out of your depth
swim through the things that I repeat

I wanted to tell you something
while you’re already taking something,
keep on chasing nothing,
rest your head on it.

Don’t fall all over the numbers
like I know you do,
turn the corners of disorder
build castles into castles
slipping sand into you.

068

How did you teach me
to be so angry
at anyone for loving me?

To place my skin bare
and cover up from your stare
don’t see me, I wont see you,
get to the leaving,
or I’ll be leaving

What did you do wrong, out there?
Am I coming home to you
unthreading strands of her hair?
but your sweaters are pristine,
you leave them out for me.

How is love about disguise,
about wrongs and fights?
How did you teach me
to be so relentless?

How many times will I ask,
“what did you do?”
beg you to justify that you stay,
say you love me and it’s okay.

you know how they taught me
to never stay,
hard to grow up empty
and have it stay.

//

I see our history sometimes and I still feel the same paralysis about what happened. I see you as I watch a comedy show, the audience laughing as a method of suicide is depicted to illustrate how a character feels about an off-putting part of his day.

I thought of you as the audience started to laugh. It wasn’t funny, it was disturbing. They were in on a joke that would not go home with them, while I was still unearthing what it meant to have spent that time with you.

In that moment, I was back on your bed trying to pry the rope off your neck. I caught you early. You laughed like it was a joke. There was no clapping or audience, just the two of us.

I was sure when you told me about your knife, how you had kept it and used it to hurt yourself. I was sure when you let me hold you as you sobbed on a rainy day, recalling all the things that brought you to that place.

I was sure when I took your knife home and put it away in my drawer, a reminder for later. I was sure that we could get you back.

I was sure.

056

How do I always know
greed in your powerplay
always have to set it up
a certain way,
be the last one speaking,
have to light things up
in my face

I keep saying, “this is it,”
I keep saying
I can bury love into a rage
swear I’m done, slip away
I mean it this time,
but you’re a fire in my mind

I don’t trust my own eyes
in and out of love, surprise,
you take up space in me
hold your place in me

can’t take love beyond
the vibration of an eardrum,
silencing kindness, I know,
you remind me
I don’t deserve it

I’m still trying to be okay
when it comes to
unlearning what you say
always said you’d try again
force me to stay

Not sure how to be okay
when love feels this way
Not sure how to say
I still love you anyway.

043

She’s pretty and I’m lonely
until I know I’m not good enough
I know how this goes,
I’ll leave another one behind

I think I’m riding it out
and she’s got room for another fuck up
so I stay, I think I’ll just stay

Don’t think she knows my name,
but I swallow hers like hard candy
and hold it in my throat
while she sneaks a smile

I think I’m the earth’s core
lower than dirt,
burn everybody out
but she doesn’t see
she’s above me

a hangover for my mistakes,
the way I waste this space
she wakes up like the
smell of coffee

and I’m glad.